I Want Out! It’s Dark in this Hole.

I’m at that place again. Realizing that I’ve been in a hole and that I have to get out. I’m in the process of a total restart.

Tired. Physically in a lot of pain with very few pain-relief options in sight. Emotionally distraught. I’ve been through the ringer. It’s unbelievable how quickly life can change and affect the way we feel. Mentally I am full of ideas and hopes for the future. But the bottom line is I’ve been stuck. Full of so much desire and longing but unable to reach them as of yet.

Lately, my life has been full of pain and a lot of waiting. Waiting for answers. Waiting for opportunities. Waiting through the process of healing. Waiting to develop the courage to step out towards more of my dreams. Waiting for apologies. Waiting for change in my circumstances. Waiting for direction from God. Waiting for an opportunity to relocate. Waiting on my next vacation. Just waiting.

However, life has a way of constantly moving at a rapid pace. If I keep waiting I’m going to lose time. So instead of waiting indefinitely (as in literally sitting still and doing nothing) I’ve been waiting as in peacefully progressing regardless of what I seemingly lack. I’ve been working on having patience, being insightful, and being connected to my purpose while in my present season of trouble and distress. I have had to admit that I’ve been in a hole and I have to get out.

The good news is that I have been able to connect with myself and remember what is most important. I have to have peace. I have to have hope. I have to know my why.

My time of sadness has allowed me time to do a lot of thinking and reflecting. I have had the opportunity to go through crises, question almost every aspect of my life, and come out better than I was at the beginning.

I’m in my 30’s and life was getting sort of comfortable. I’d mastered a rhythm. I learned how to do life. I had a good idea of who I was and discovered my purpose. I was living in my purpose. I had phenomenal coping mechanisms and many positive ways to navigate through the unchartered territories of life. But then life changed and those mechanisms didn’t work as well. My brain learned my tricks! I had to go back to the drawing board so I could learn new ways to understand and deal with the new struggles that arose.

I lost a very important person in my life — a type of father and spiritual leader. I lost him not to death but to life. I wasn’t prepared. I was thrown into grief. I was thrown into questioning so many of my spiritual practices (more so the spiritual leaders who had taught me those practices). I wasn’t sure how to process the lost of confidence and admiration I had for him and many leaders like him. I was floored. I was confused. I felt lost.

All the emotional distress affected me physically and I have been so sick the past year or so. I have spent many days full of medicine, sleeping for hours at a time. Bouts with depression haven’t made anything easier. Thank God for my therapist! I have been able to work through the pain of my loss. I am coming to terms with it and accepting it. It still hurts but I understand why it had to happen.

I’m going to transition away from this topic because I don’t want you to get lost in my life’s details and forget the purpose of this post.

GET OUT THE HOLE!

I realize that I don’t want to stay where I am. I can’t. I want to experience more emotional and physical healing. I want to continue to laugh. I can’t let sadness win. I have to shake myself. I will give Depression a fight worthy of its tormenting ways. It may push and press on me but I will not give up. I have to keep my eyes on God. He knows best.

I have survived the last 2 years but there is new ground to cover and more to conquer. I’m going after everything that is mine. I have to believe that my circumstance and the place where I am is not really where I am. My life is bigger than situations. My existence is greater than any pain. I have survived the darkness. I survived the parts of me that were my greatest hindrances. I have grown and matured. I still have hope. I am excited about my future. I can not throw away all that I have gained.

I am in love with The Thrill of the Thrive. I love getting up from what knocks me down. I love pushing back against the brutality that life sometimes brings my way. I love being a conqueror. I don’t want to forget contentment and happiness by getting distracted by what’s going on around me.

My life got hard and I had to stop and recharge. I have cried. I have felt numb. I have felt bitterness breathing down my neck. But I am not bitter. I am not willing to give up. I’ve been quiet. I’ve been down but I am not done. I am determined to rise. I’m determined to climb. I am going to make it through my storm.

Restart and recovery. That’s my mission.

I am doing what it takes to make sure that I am healthy. I want to love on me so that I can continue to love on you. I am so thankful for this opportunity. I am humbled. I am grateful to have a mind that is determined to move forward. I want to take all that I have learned and share it with the world.

Hope is real. There is life after devastation. Good folks still exist. Life is worth living. You can survive anything even if it’s depression, suicide, loss, chronic illness or abuse. No matter how debilitating the situation you can survive and learn to thrive.

May you find peace.

Hope Always,

💜Missy


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Visit my website for more information about me, my brand and ministry.

Living in Recovery

I’m a survivor of domestic violence.

I have experienced extreme emotional abuse and I have a lot of scars. Sometimes, the scars, flashbacks, and emotions are more than I know how to handle. I’m still discovering my triggers and ways to strengthen my emotional and mental well-being.

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But HOW?

Honesty. I refuse to be dishonest with myself about myself. I tell it like it is to me first! I admit when I feel weak and when I’m tired. I admit to myself when I am triggered and need help. I’m honest about my need for recovery. I’m no longer a broken person but there is some brokenness in my life. There are pieces that I’m still putting together. There are parts of my mind that have been affected and negatively bent. Sort of a glitch.

I stay aware. I’m not interested in fairy tales but reality. I take the time to think and evaluate the present and the past. I process my thoughts and emotions. I proces my actions and reactions. I try to understand why I am who I am. I also try to understand others. This isn’t fail proof but it works. It helps me stay grounded on facts while processing my feelings. I love it!

Sometimes I pause. Recovery is hard because it requires me to step outside of my comfort zone. I choose to reject depression and oppression. I fight negativity and self-doubt. I make a conscious decision to disconnect from the mentality of being a victim. I am a survivor and I refuse to cower to the weight of life’s problems. It’s tiring though so sometimes I just pause. I allow my mind to rest. I allow myself space to regroup and recover. I may not get on social media as often. Weeks may go by before I blog. I may not talk about domestic violence or participate in advocacy work for a space of time. Sometimes, I just mentally rest. I have had to pause from being so fixated on my recovery and growth. I give myself a break. Aiming for the ultimate healing experience can be tedious, and frankly, unrealistic. I have to make sure that I’m well without trying to make sure that I’m perfect. I have to continually make peace with the fact that I will always have the experience of being abused and there’s no amount of work that I can do to change that. So, sometimes I just pause. I never stop my journey of recovery but sometimes I have to re-evaluate it and redefine what it means for me at different moments in my life.

I stay grateful. I get down a lot. I face a lot of sadness and depression but there is always a reason to be grateful. I make sure that I am being thankful for something every single day. I have really bad moments and really bad days but that doesn’t stop me from looking for the silver lining — the good parts. I almost lost my mind and my life. I almost didn’t make it to this point. I have so many reasons to be thankful. Good God! I had no desire to live. I had given up on myself and my life. I was through BUT GOD. He restored my mind and has given me a will to live. I’m so so humbled and grateful to be alive.

Life isn’t easy and sometimes I feel that I can’t go another day in my circumstance. I’m tired physically and emotionally. But seasons change and one day I will be in a new season. I want my current season of recovery to count. I want all my struggles to matter. I refuse to give up. I’ve lived with chronic physical illness and mental health issues for decades. However, here I am. I have SURVIVED.

Hope Always,

💜Missy


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Visit my website for more information about me, my brand and ministry.

Ignoring the Pain Is Easier

Ignoring the pain is easier than facing it. Periodt (as the younger folks say).

Sitting in shame and guilt and regret is easier than facing the pain and healing from it. One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do is get up from my rut of bitterness, pain, and feeling worthless. I had become convinced that the abusive relationship I was once in was my fault. I blamed myself continuously. After that, I blamed others for not warning me. The last person I blamed was my abuser. He should have been the first!

It was hard to admit or even understand that I had been abused and that there was a perpetrator. I had to face that truth. I had to look my experience in the eye. I had to tell abuse that I was no longer afraid of it and that I wasn’t going to be pushed around any more. It was easier said than done. Lawd! 😔

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Many years later, I am still refusing to be pushed around by abuse. I still have memories of being abused. I have low, emotional moments. My mental and emotional state have never been the same. I am sometimes triggered by people, movies, or even music. However, I understand what happened to me. I understand the dynamics. I understand that there was someone who tried to have power and control over me. I understand that I didn’t understand what was going on at the time. I have forgiven my younger self. I have learned to understand where she was and why she was there. I realize that over the years she has grown. She has evolved. She is so much more than I ever thought I could be. ♡

Today, I strive to continue my journey of hope and healing. So many days I feel alone. I consistently have to face the demons of my past. But I have found peace and I have hope. My healing process has been continual and I have worked through many layers; but I am a SURVIVOR. I am determined to never suffer in silence again.

It would be easier to hang my head down and be quiet. The thoughts of giving up have been tempting. I have questioned whether or not I am being effective. I’ve been through many horrible things that have all been EASIER than facing my pain on my road to recovery. However, nothing has been so POWERFUL as boldly facing my truth, owning it, and healing through the pain. I am no longer running from my past. I have learned to be honest with myself about myself. I refuse to be ashamed of my story. I am a warrior. I have learned to THRIVE. 💪🏾💜

Just like me, it may be easier for you to ignore what you’ve been through. It may be easier for you to go through life angry and with a closed heart and mind. Maybe you’ve decided to never trust anyone again. Perhaps you no longer believe in love. Of course, you have a right to believe in whatever you want to. I’d like to invite you to try believing in healing. I’d like to encourage you  to take a step forward outside of your comfort zone.  I’d like to challenge you to give a voice to all the hidden pain and sadness that deserves to be heard. You don’t have to suffer in silence.

You don’t have to tell the entire world all of your business but you can find ways to speak up and speak out about the things you haven’t talked about for years. It might be anonymously in the form of a blog. It might be one-on-one with an individual. You might write a book or volunteer to work with youth. You may simply, and most importantly, admit to yourself that you were injured. That is the most powerful thing. Speaking truth to ourselves is the key that sets us free. We are often bound by lies we have forced ourselves to believe. You don’t have to continue to believe the lies.

Why not Break Free?  It is possible. 

I’d love to be of help to you during your process. I offer FREE, 15-minute conversations. Simply schedule a call (or virtual chat via Zoom) by visiting the Services page on my website. 

 

Hope Always, 

💜Missy 


 

Stay connected! Be sure to follow my blog or join my mailing list.

Visit my website for more information about me, my brand and ministry.

It Ain’t No Secret!

I used to think that as long as I was smiling and things appeared to be going well all was well. I don’t believe that anymore. My smile didn’t keep me from breaking. It definitely wasn’t my smile that restored me after every part of my life came crashing down.

Honesty brought me through. Admitting that I wasn’t okay and that I wasn’t strong enough to continue pretending made so much difference. Looking in the mirror and believing what I saw within ME is what saved my life. I stopped running. I stopped hiding. I stopped pretending. I just was. I was broken. I was shattered. I was lost. I was hurt. I was angry. I was at my breaking point. I had to admit all of that. I had to stop trying to be perfect and just be me — flawed yet worthy of a good life. What a weight lifted off! Oh my goodness! I love it.

Being in crisis caused me to change and start focusing on surviving. I had to figure out what was real and what wasn’t. I had to hold tightly to my truth. I couldn’t care about my image, maintaining a facade, or worrying about what people thought about me. None of those things were important anymore. They couldn’t save me or my life.

Walking away from the LIES that I told myself was painful yet POWERFUL. I was finally in control of my mind. Walking away from trying to reach perfection allowed me to find a start to the journey of hope and healing. It made room for me to focus on what mattered — getting my life right. I’m so glad that I started this journey. I’m so glad I became more than a pretty face. I decided to no longer be a victim of abuse, suicide and depression. I wanted more. I wanted something real. I wanted a connection with me. I wanted to enjoy my life. I wanted to wake up without dread.

Mission accomplished ✔

My methods are phenomenal and they create real results; but I’m not necessarily special (I mean I am special, beautifully created and specifically designed for greatness. But I digress.). I’m human just like you. I miss the mark and I succeed. I make mistakes. I reach goals and then other times I don’t. I hurt and I heal. I reach breaking points. I just refuse to break. I break through!

You, too, can break through. You can make it. You are more capable and more strong than you realize. You might fall down but you can get up. You may have made a bad decision. You don’t have to repeat it. Perhaps life is really hard — beyond hard. Please don’t give up. You can survive this season just like you survived the ones before it. Your decision to make it through is powerful. Your ability to choose is life-changing. You have more power in your hands than you can sometimes see. I’m rooting for you.

Hope Always,

💜Missy


Stay connected! Be sure to follow my blog or join my mailing list.

Visit my website for more information about me, my brand and ministry.

A Dose of Truth 💯

Sometimes I wish I had an eraser. I wish I could undo all the damage. I wish I could go back and not have experienced all the abuse of my past. With all the healing and all the time that’s gone by I still suffer. I still have intense moments. I still have scars. I have memories. Reruns of my past flash through my head. I’m sometimes suspicious, often checking people’s motives to make sure I’m not being played, abused or manipulated.

At times, there is a narrative in my head that tells me that I’m damaged goods of some sort. I know it’s a lie but it doesn’t change what I feel. I ask God why I had to go through so much pain to become the woman I am today. Why couldn’t I have gotten here some easier way? Why couldn’t the lessons be learned sooner? In fact, why couldn’t I just know the information without the painful life experiences? I ask these questions a lot always coming to the same conclusion.

I am strong, fierce, worthy of love, and am so much more than the unfavorable parts of my past. I am power. I am hope. I am love. I embody healing. Despite my past I shine! Despite the negative things I’ve been told or once believed about myself, I can see so many positives. That’s supernatural because it defies logic. My faith has been challenged but I still believe. I believe in God, His sovereignty, omnipotent power and love for me. I believe in me. I believe in my future. I believe in healing. I’m a witness that devastation isn’t a final destination.

I have found happiness and a love for myself. I admit that it is because of my past. Perhaps further along my journey it’ll be despite my past. I fight hard to maintain a clear sight of my worth. I remind myself that I’m not what happened to me. I’m who I have chosen to be. There are times when I feel like I am what has happened. My emotions blind me to how far I’ve come. They show me my life through an altered perception of reality. The truth is that I’m dedicated to fighting my demons so I can stay on the path of self-discovery, purpose, passion and progress. I believe.

I’ve always promised my followers honesty. It’s the same thing I give to my clients and to any audience that hears me speak. It’s my truth that keeps me grounded. It’s my truth that reminds me of the courage and the strength I possess. I don’t ignore my pain. I don’t ignore my past. However, I refuse to live my life based on them. I will keep moving forward. I will continue my journey of hope and healing. I will continue to tell my truth to encourage and inspire anyone who’ll listen.

No matter what you have been through there is always the other side. It does gets better. It won’t happen overnight. You won’t always have good days but better days are ahead. Staying connected to your truth and refusing to get lost or stuck in it is one of your greatest tools. Use it. Face your problems. Own your struggles. They don’t make you weak. Knowing the opposition is an advantage. Knowing where you’re vulnerable will give you an added source of strength.

You’ve got this! 💪🏾💜

Hope Always,

Missy

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