What’s domestic violence, anyway?!
- It’s a pattern of coercive behaviors designed to dominate an intimte partner or family member (the use of power and control)
- It’s physical, pychological, emotional, financial, spiritual, cyber / online, etc.
- It’s abuse between family members, significant others, roommates, etc.
- It can look like bullying, name calling, threats, intimidation, hurtful jokes, witholding medicine or money, isolation, hitting, biting, raising hands and fist, and so much more
Domestic violence can happen to anyone.
F E A R
This element and strong emotion runs rampant in abusive relationships.
Confusion and uncertainty pop up so often yet each time they feel so unexpected. You’re in love but not sure if you’re doing it right. You wonder why you can’t just be happy and feel peace. You ask yourself, “What am I doing wrong? How can I fix this”? But that’s the problem. You can not fix a relationship. It’s not your responsibility to make someone love you and make you feel safe.
You deserve so much more.
I’ve been there. I lived in extreme mental and emotional abuse. I was afraid and pretty sure that my fiancé would become physically violent. I was so in love with him that I forgot to love ME!
Choosing to change isn’t easy. Seeing a need for change is even harder. We humans are creatures of habit and we can easily continue doing the same things over and over without a thought.
One of my biggest changes was choosing to transform from victim to victor. I’m the SURVIVOR that I am today because of changes that I made over 7 years ago. Out of desperation, I sought out a major life change. I couldn’t continue to be the person I once was. I wasn’t happy. I’d been severely abused and was broken in my mind and spirit. I didn’t know who I was. I felt like I was drowning. I couldn’t do it anymore.
I’m honored to be alive. I’m humbled that God would spare my life. I was a preteen convinced that suicide was my only way out. I couldn’t see any other option. I was broken and depleted. I was suffering in silence. Depression was consuming me at a rapid pace and no one knew. If I’d had it my way, I’d be gone.
But God. He stepped in and saved me when I was over life and no longer wanted to be a part of the living. He eventually gave me a reason to live. God loved on and was so patient with me. What a blessing!
I wish I could say that my life was beautiful after God saved me but it wasn’t.
Why even try to heal from trauma and abuse?
I get it. It’s hard work and it takes a lot of time. It takes being completely committed to self and personal well-being. It requires one to be okay with being uncomfortable, sometimes unsure, and perhaps the bad guy to your abuser(s).
I want hope and healing. I’m dedicated to living a life that is genuinely good. As much as I want it and as dedicated as I am it’s not always easy. My mind has been programmed throughout years of abuse and deprogramming it has been hard. Sometimes the process is discouraging and I feel so far away from my goal. But I know that what matters most is that I am healing and living in hope. I refuse to go back to giving in to depression, having a defeated mindset, and feeling incapable of being happy. I refuse to stay stuck and expect someone else to save me.
My journey of hope and healing has also been rewarding. I finally have a sense of being in control of me! I decide my emotions, beliefs, and actions. I decide if I’m happy or sad. I get to choose whether or not I’ve done well or enough. It feels good to know that I’m good enough just because I’m me. Baby, God didn’t make no junk.
I definitely understand feeling discouraged. There’s several things that happen along the journey of hope and healing. I’d like to talk about some of them:
1. There’s no predictable timeline for the healing process.
I’m about 10 years into my process of healing and sometimes, in certain situations, I feel like it’s year one. I’m a survivor of depression and extreme mental and emotional domestic violence. Enduring violence of any kind changes the psyche and the spirit. I almost didn’t make it.
I still have triggers. I still battle depression. Sometimes I feel guilty about my past (even though it’s not my fault). This may be true for you, too. It’s all a part of the process. Give yourself some space to feel, hurt, think and process your thoughts and feelings.
2. People will judge you and where you are in your process.
Because of who I am and the type of content I discuss, there are those who seem to believe that I shouldn’t have any problems. I guess they think that I’ve arrived to some kind of place of perfection. If I’m having a struggle they’ll throw Moments with Missy™️ or my Psychology degree in my face. It’s no secret that I’m not perfect. At least not to those who follow me and read my material. I have some expertise yet much to learn. We all do. It’s so frustrating when others want me to be further along than I am.
Those who have narcissists and such like in their lives will understand this all too well. Remember to maintain control regardless of what anyone says or thinks. All you can do is your best. Don’t get stuck in the trap of trying to be more than you are. Let folks talk. Let them judge. Keep doing you.
3. The transition feels a bit unnatural at times.
In the beginning, my confidence was so poor that I struggled with making business phone calls. I had to literally tell myself that I was worthy and deserved to make the calls. It felt weird to step out my comfort zone. It didn’t feel natural to say, “no” to someone who wanted to hear a yes. I had to remind myself over and over that I had a right to my decisions.
Although it feels strange sometimes to stand up for yourself it eventually becomes the new norm. It becomes exhilarating. Regardless of what people say, there is nothing wrong with being in control of yourself and your life — it’s yours!
4. A deep connection with self is established.
I didn’t know who I was. I was so lost. My journey of hope and healing has allowed me to get to know who I am. It’s allowed me to grow and evolve. I’ve connected with my why. I’m no longer just doing stuff because someone wants me to do it. I do or don’t do for me. I take time to know why I feel the ways I do. I take time to understand my fears, hopes and dreams. I’m not freestyling but I’m living on purpose. As a result, I’m happy. I’m at peace being me, flawed and all.
Choosing a journey of hope and healing simply means to choose a journey of loving and getting to know you. Take your time. Forget about how long it’s taking and focus on being a healthy version of you.
May you smile a little bigger. May you cling to hope a little tighter. May you love you more. You’ve got this! I’m rooting for you.
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