I talk a lot about my before and some of my after. I’d like to talk about my transition. Choosing to change my entire life was extremely scary and included a lot of hard work. It was a lonely process and I had to face fear like I never imagined. Transforming from Melissa, the broken victim, to MsMissy, the warrior with a voice and the strength to defeat her demons, would not have happened without God and desperation.
As a child, I began my experience with depression, emotional abuse and being suicidal. Bouts of extreme sadness, hopelessness and not feeling good enough became my norm. I didn’t speak up in school, I thought that I lacked the ability to think and come to accurate conclusions. Every day, I was criticized and badgered for not knowing the right answers to life’s little child-sized problems. I was desperate for an escape.
Fast forwarding many years later, after developing a personal relationship with God, I was no longer suicidal. I lived a morally and spiritually clean life; but I was emotionally ruined and lacked coping skills. Instead of suicide, I prayed to God to let me die and for Him to take me away to Heaven. I was still desperate for an escape from the demons I’d been running from for years.
I met a man and fell in love with him. I placed all the burden of escape on his shoulders. I depended on his occasional tender moments to make me feel good. I depended on him pulling up, ringing my front doorbell and whisking me away on romantic dates. I needed to forget my pain for as long as I could. We became engaged and I was so happy because marriage would be my escape and opportunity to start over and have a different life. However, we were both incomplete individuals, and well before the engagement, the relationship became extremely toxic, and eventually, abusive.
The stress of being a college student, working and studying late nights, exasperated by the chaos of my relationship, worsened my pre-existing health challenges. In my mid 20’s, I became extremely ill and eventually disabled. This was the last thing I needed. Depression visited me daily and a few times, I came close to fully submerging myself in it. But I remembered how being depressed and suicidal felt. I couldn’t go through that again. Short story, I prayed and fought to pick myself up out of the rut of mediocrity and pity. I took baby steps toward change. I stopped rehearsing the things that had been done to me and I started speaking life and creating the reality that I wanted to experience. (Read more about this process and my story in my book, MsMissy Speaks.)
Writing my book was my first major step in speaking out about depression, suicide and abuse. I freaked out after my book was published. I realized that everyone would know so much about my past and my mistakes. I knew that I was called to release my story and stood firm on that despite feeling nervous about how I may be judged. Since publishing and officially launching my brand, Moments with Missy™, my new life has taken on a life of its own. My confidence has soared and so has my boldness. I’m shy by nature but I have had so much courage to speak and share my heart with others. I’m amazed. I’m also blown away by the number of people who have been touched by my book and can relate to my story. People of various ages and walks of life reach out to me privately, looking for help. MsMissy was birthed because I couldn’t continue living a life of less than. God had plans as well and He has been my driving force.
(To be continued)
My book, MsMissy Speaks, is available for purchase on my website and at the APS Books and More bookstore in Chicago.