We’ve Been Together for So Long – I Can’t Leave
You have built a foundation and have poured in so much time and effort. How could you think about walking away from your relationship? I get it. I feel your pain. I’ve been there. It’s almost unfathomable. There are so many thoughts going through your mind. Wait.one.moment. Inhale. Exhale. Yessss.
History with someone isn’t easily erased. The emotions, love felt for the partner, the children, help paying bills and good times are logical reasons to stay andhe work it out no matter how tough the current situation. It’s scary to make changes that will affect your day-to-day life, financial security, and occasional comforts and thrills.
You fight sometimes and things get really heated. Maybe you’re denied a comfort or maybe you are physically reprimanded. Sometimes there are no physical issues, but mentally, you feel like you’re going to break. You blame yourself and think that maybe you’re not good enough or maybe you’re doing something wrong. No money, little confidence, no place to go or the very thought of facing humiliation make it more difficult for you to consider change. You want to walk away, move out, stop answering the phone, etc.; but you can’t seem to find the strength. You hope things will just get better – they usually do (for a little while). I promise you, I’ve been there.
You believe circumstances can change – that they can change – so you push forward. Maybe you think, “At least I’m not alone” or “I love them. Time will make everything between us better“. I want to believe that with you. I love it when a person makes a complete change. People change – they grow and mature. People are capable of getting help and becoming a better version of themselves. But I have to be honest with you. More often than not, we need to separate ourselves from these people while they take the necessary steps to get better (well). One being abusive, demeaning, threatening, manipulative, possessive and dangerous is not a sign of their love but a sickness. The relationship is not healthy but toxic. It’s a crucial moment to decide between life and death (whether it be death of your heart, spirit and mind or literal loss of life). Life is nourishment, health, care, happiness, strength, patience, love and fulfillment. Life is meant to be experienced passionately, without fear for one’s safety or stability.
I walked away from a man I loved because I woke up one day. I got tired one day. One day, I wanted more than fussing, tension, guilt trips, manipulation, aggressive behavior and blame games. I got tired of not having a voice. I wanted to matter. I wanted to be loved. I was tired of being bullied. I was tired of the jealously. I wanted to feel beautiful inside and out. I didn’t want to feel lost anymore. I wanted to recognize myself again. I didn’t want to live in secrecy, not able to properly communicate with friends and family. I was so confused and on the edge of a breakdown. It took intervention from friends and family, but more importantly, God to help me see a need to escape. My walking away was a miracle and the result of emergency.
After walking away from abuse and learning to live and love again, I discovered that love is boundless. Love is freedom, laughter, strength, patience, support and the uplifting of anther’s hopes and dreams. I am so excited about my new outlook on life and myself. I had to do one of the hardest things, ever, to get to where I am today. I ended my engagement, cancelled the wedding dress I had ordered (losing my deposit), had my wedding date removed from the church calendar, notified bridesmaids, ushers, hosts, wedding coordinator, friends and family, etc. that there would be no wedding. I faced pain and shame. I faced the fear that I would never find love again. It has all been worth it. I got my peace of mind back. Over time, I found firm mental and emotional ground to stand on and I survived. I rediscovered my identity and have experienced deep healing. Now, I teach others how to make it and learn to THRIVE.
Not every step in the process will be easy but you are capable. You can choose happiness, wellness and hope. You can make the choices that best serve you (and those whom depend on you). I’m rooting for you. I’m here for you. Remember, what seems hard today can be overcome. You can make it. You can discover a new normal, one that is invigorating, inspiring and healthy. I did it. So can you.