I need to be honest and vulnerable with you. Not because I need to; but because I want you to know that you are not alone and that you, too, can face every circumstance that comes your way.
I’ve never professed to have it all together and God knows that I most certainly do not, especially during this season of my life. What season? One of transition, preparation and the laying of foundations (fancy words for change, uncertainty and frustration lol). A season of intense growth and discovery. I’m learning so much about God and so much about me. I’m in a season of being grateful for what I have yet longing for so much more. I want more spiritually, emotionally, and financially. I want love, a husband and family of my own. I find myself wanting the things I once thought I couldn’t have.
Eight years ago, my life changed forever. I walked away from a man I loved. I walked away from my wedding dress (and that $500 deposit), reception venue, bridesmaids, a wedding date on the church calendar, and a whole lot of abusive, manipulative, toxic mess. Unfortunately, I also walked away from hope, causing me to become a prisoner to my fears, pain, pride and past. I cried myself to sleep, battled depression, struggled in secret, suffered in silence and became bitter. I gave up on men and expecting to be loved. I was hurt, confused and lost. I was in the chains of self-pity and had a victim mindset.
Today, on many levels, I’m free (thanks to God and my hard work). However, I find myself feeling trapped and frustrated because my life circumstances aren’t exactly what I want them to be. After doing the work to change the things that were in my power, there are many other things out of my control that I cannot change, making me feel chained.
I wish I had a magic wand that would give me 100% complete health and strength. I wish I was physically stronger and more independent so that I could live and travel on my own. I wish that I was married (like yesterday) and could spend my days with the love of my life, building our life together. I wish more doors were open for me to minister. I wish. I wish. I wish.. You get it.
My heart is full of passion and love for life, family, friends and ministry. I get to spend my days serving and ministering to people who are where I once was. I get to spread a message of hope and healing. My life is far from dull. I’m genuinely happy. I have so much yet I want more. Good ole humanity, right?
My desires are good ones and they’re natural. I’ve been like, come on, God! Lol But I realize that my life is not mine – it’s God’s. In His own way and according to His time, He has been transitioning, transforming, and maturing me. It’s been a lengthy process. MsMissy is a handful, y’all! But God loves me so much and has been working with me so patiently, preparing me for the things that I want. When I cry tears of frustration (because it’s taking God longer than I’d like), they don’t last long because they turn into tears of celebration. When sadness and pity knock on my door, I don’t answer. I’ve been there. Done that.
In the midst of so much uncertainty, God keeps me going. I have figuratively been to Hell and back. I know what it’s like to give up on life and be a prisoner to your own sadness. I know what it’s like to close your heart to love, life and possibility, becoming a prisoner to pain and disappointment. I refuse to ever live that life again. I fight every day to live the life that I deserve. Sometimes I fight with prayer, sometimes with tears. Most importantly, I fight with truth.
The truth is that my truth is powerful. I’ve overcome some things that have claimed the lives of others; and face other things experienced by all around me. The truth is that my struggle is no more or less than what many people endure every day. My truth, my reality, has made me who I am. The strength I possess didn’t always exist. The passion and purpose within me has never been so defined. In my loneliest moments, I’m not really alone. I’m covered in prayer, grace and God’s love. I’m comforted by my truth – what didn’t kill me made me stronger.
I find strength in knowing that I’m not alone. I hope you realize that neither are you. There is someone who has been where you are. There is someone, somewhere, facing what you face. As painful as your truth may be, don’t forget the fact that you’re still here. Your story isn’t over. Your future holds so many possibilities.