I’ve been thrown the biggest surprise party of my life. While on my sick bed, literally, I was given a deep passion for living and started on a path I never dreamed I’d travel. A college graduate, working in the mental health field, super independent, oldest of six siblings (their second mom), involved in church, a busy social life, a mentor and youth ministry worker, etc. my life changed forever. My body broke down.
Since I was a girl, I’ve had physical challenges; but I learned to hide and push over them (often over doing it) and later have private crises at home, alone. But in 2010, everything stopped. I couldn’t fake it anymore. I couldn’t pretend like I was in good health. I couldn’t force my body to go to work, write, speak, sit up, etc. any more. I couldn’t function. My whole world came to a slow, painful, grinding halt. My days mostly consisted of eating and sleeping.
Nope. The party hadn’t started yet.
At some point, perhaps a year into my health crisis, I started to just exist. I spent most of my time at home, in doctor’s offices or being poked, prodded and tested. The list of medicines I took kept growing and along with it the side effects. I was beyond tired and so over being sick. I admit, some of this time is a blur. The days merged together and the weeks and months felt like one, long nightmare. I dreaded waking up. It was just another day of pain, weakness, inability to eat or enjoy food. Nothing but suffering and sorrow. I was too weak to talk on the phone and dreaded calls and visits because I couldn’t handle the aftereffects of total exhaustion.
But SURPRISE!! After being in a state of existence, something within me started to long for more. I wanted my life to have meaning. I wanted to connect with the old me that had excitement, laughter and enjoyment. I had no idea how to get there. I just started praying and pleading to God to give me something. My prayers were answered.
Fast-forwarding through a lot of details, I’m so happy to say that Moments with Missy was born. I started giving my pain, sickness, frustration and fears a voice. I stopped pretending that everything was okay and I started telling people that I was struggling. I opened my heart and shared my difficulties past and present) and more importantly, what I was doing to overcome them. I became alive! I could be me without having to be perfect. I could share the lessons I learned from being prideful, secretive, hiding behind masks and being caught up doing things without being focused on my purpose. I shared the not-so-pretty parts of my life, my immaturity, relationship struggles and past with depression and suicide. MsMissy started speaking and I haven’t stopped. 😆
Becoming an Author of a memoir, a Blogger, Speaker, Life Coach and one who isn’t afraid to tell it like it is was no where in my life plan. I was going to sit in a room and do one-on one psychotherapy. But life and purpose called me and threw me the biggest liberation party – forcing me to live more on the moment. Not everything in my life is certain. I often get scared about the future and whether or not I have what it takes to be who I’m meant to be. I get scared sometimes that someone will judge me for the things I express. So, I work at being brave and staying true to myself.
I’m not perfect and I make lots of mistakes but I know it’s okay. I know that all I have to do is be who God wants me to be. I just want to help someone who feels alone, and without a voice, know that they aren’t alone and at any moment they can choose to speak. I want people to be honest about who they are and not hide behind pain, abuse, suffering and mental illness. I want people to be free and to live their best life.
It all started with me. I changed. I grew up. I survived. I stopped seeing myself as a victim only but a victor, a survivor, one who could conquer. My life is nothing like it was four years ago because I had an opportunity to live! I was able to break out of my shell and face my demons, mistakes, naivety and hurt. Every day I face them. I’m strong but not invincible. I still hurt. I still remember my past. I still have to fight against depression and negativity; but God has taught me how to thrive. God has taught me how to forgive and love myself. When I’m unnecessarily hard on myself, He’s there to remind me that I’m only human. I have come a long way and there is still ground to cover; but I’m happy, at peace and am whole.
I didn’t foresee the total transformation of my life and mind. I had no idea that my sick bed would be the place where I learned to really live. I had no idea that God would use my book, my testimony and my life to touch so many people. I’m so thankful. I’m so humbled. I’m so excited. God took a broken, wounded immature girl and grew her up into the woman I am today.
I hope you’ll join me on my journey of hope and healing. The best is yet to come. I’m just getting started! How about you?