I’m at that place again. Realizing that I’ve been in a hole and that I have to get out. I’m in the process of a total restart.
Tired. Physically in a lot of pain with very few pain-relief options in sight. Emotionally distraught. I’ve been through the ringer. It’s unbelievable how quickly life can change and affect the way we feel. Mentally I am full of ideas and hopes for the future. But the bottom line is I’ve been stuck. Full of so much desire and longing but unable to reach them as of yet.
Lately, my life has been full of pain and a lot of waiting. Waiting for answers. Waiting for opportunities. Waiting through the process of healing. Waiting to develop the courage to step out towards more of my dreams. Waiting for apologies. Waiting for change in my circumstances. Waiting for direction from God. Waiting for an opportunity to relocate. Waiting on my next vacation. Just waiting.
However, life has a way of constantly moving at a rapid pace. If I keep waiting I’m going to lose time. So instead of waiting indefinitely (as in literally sitting still and doing nothing) I’ve been waiting as in peacefully progressing regardless of what I seemingly lack. I’ve been working on having patience, being insightful, and being connected to my purpose while in my present season of trouble and distress. I have had to admit that I’ve been in a hole and I have to get out.
The good news is that I have been able to connect with myself and remember what is most important. I have to have peace. I have to have hope. I have to know my why.
My time of sadness has allowed me time to do a lot of thinking and reflecting. I have had the opportunity to go through crises, question almost every aspect of my life, and come out better than I was at the beginning.
I’m in my 30’s and life was getting sort of comfortable. I’d mastered a rhythm. I learned how to do life. I had a good idea of who I was and discovered my purpose. I was living in my purpose. I had phenomenal coping mechanisms and many positive ways to navigate through the unchartered territories of life. But then life changed and those mechanisms didn’t work as well. My brain learned my tricks! I had to go back to the drawing board so I could learn new ways to understand and deal with the new struggles that arose.
I lost a very important person in my life — a type of father and spiritual leader. I lost him not to death but to life. I wasn’t prepared. I was thrown into grief. I was thrown into questioning so many of my spiritual practices (more so the spiritual leaders who had taught me those practices). I wasn’t sure how to process the lost of confidence and admiration I had for him and many leaders like him. I was floored. I was confused. I felt lost.
All the emotional distress affected me physically and I have been so sick the past year or so. I have spent many days full of medicine, sleeping for hours at a time. Bouts with depression haven’t made anything easier. Thank God for my therapist! I have been able to work through the pain of my loss. I am coming to terms with it and accepting it. It still hurts but I understand why it had to happen.
I’m going to transition away from this topic because I don’t want you to get lost in my life’s details and forget the purpose of this post.
GET OUT THE HOLE!
I realize that I don’t want to stay where I am. I can’t. I want to experience more emotional and physical healing. I want to continue to laugh. I can’t let sadness win. I have to shake myself. I will give Depression a fight worthy of its tormenting ways. It may push and press on me but I will not give up. I have to keep my eyes on God. He knows best.
I have survived the last 2 years but there is new ground to cover and more to conquer. I’m going after everything that is mine. I have to believe that my circumstance and the place where I am is not really where I am. My life is bigger than situations. My existence is greater than any pain. I have survived the darkness. I survived the parts of me that were my greatest hindrances. I have grown and matured. I still have hope. I am excited about my future. I can not throw away all that I have gained.
I am in love with The Thrill of the Thrive. I love getting up from what knocks me down. I love pushing back against the brutality that life sometimes brings my way. I love being a conqueror. I don’t want to forget contentment and happiness by getting distracted by what’s going on around me.
My life got hard and I had to stop and recharge. I have cried. I have felt numb. I have felt bitterness breathing down my neck. But I am not bitter. I am not willing to give up. I’ve been quiet. I’ve been down but I am not done. I am determined to rise. I’m determined to climb. I am going to make it through my storm.
Restart and recovery. That’s my mission.
I am doing what it takes to make sure that I am healthy. I want to love on me so that I can continue to love on you. I am so thankful for this opportunity. I am humbled. I am grateful to have a mind that is determined to move forward. I want to take all that I have learned and share it with the world.
Hope is real. There is life after devastation. Good folks still exist. Life is worth living. You can survive anything even if it’s depression, suicide, loss, chronic illness or abuse. No matter how debilitating the situation you can survive and learn to thrive.
May you find peace.
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3 thoughts on “I Want Out! It’s Dark in this Hole.”
Really enjoyed this. Recovery, grieving loss and getting the help to move on. Getting out of our holes is a worthy process. I could definitely identity with what you wrote.
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Thank you. It has really been a long journey. I wouldn’t want to repeat it but I am very grateful I experienced it. I’ve grown as a person and in my soul. 💜💪🏾
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