I’m a survivor of domestic violence.
I have experienced extreme emotional abuse and I have a lot of scars. Sometimes, the scars, flashbacks, and emotions are more than I know how to handle. I’m still discovering my triggers and ways to strengthen my emotional and mental well-being.
Honesty. I refuse to be dishonest with myself about myself. I tell it like it is to me first! I admit when I feel weak and when I’m tired. I admit to myself when I am triggered and need help. I’m honest about my need for recovery. I’m no longer a broken person but there is some brokenness in my life. There are pieces that I’m still putting together. There are parts of my mind that have been affected and negatively bent. Sort of a glitch.
I stay aware. I’m not interested in fairy tales but reality. I take the time to think and evaluate the present and the past. I process my thoughts and emotions. I proces my actions and reactions. I try to understand why I am who I am. I also try to understand others. This isn’t fail proof but it works. It helps me stay grounded on facts while processing my feelings. I love it!
Sometimes I pause. Recovery is hard because it requires me to step outside of my comfort zone. I choose to reject depression and oppression. I fight negativity and self-doubt. I make a conscious decision to disconnect from the mentality of being a victim. I am a survivor and I refuse to cower to the weight of life’s problems. It’s tiring though so sometimes I just pause. I allow my mind to rest. I allow myself space to regroup and recover. I may not get on social media as often. Weeks may go by before I blog. I may not talk about domestic violence or participate in advocacy work for a space of time. Sometimes, I just mentally rest. I have had to pause from being so fixated on my recovery and growth. I give myself a break. Aiming for the ultimate healing experience can be tedious, and frankly, unrealistic. I have to make sure that I’m well without trying to make sure that I’m perfect. I have to continually make peace with the fact that I will always have the experience of being abused and there’s no amount of work that I can do to change that. So, sometimes I just pause. I never stop my journey of recovery but sometimes I have to re-evaluate it and redefine what it means for me at different moments in my life.
I stay grateful. I get down a lot. I face a lot of sadness and depression but there is always a reason to be grateful. I make sure that I am being thankful for something every single day. I have really bad moments and really bad days but that doesn’t stop me from looking for the silver lining — the good parts. I almost lost my mind and my life. I almost didn’t make it to this point. I have so many reasons to be thankful. Good God! I had no desire to live. I had given up on myself and my life. I was through BUT GOD. He restored my mind and has given me a will to live. I’m so so humbled and grateful to be alive.
Life isn’t easy and sometimes I feel that I can’t go another day in my circumstance. I’m tired physically and emotionally. But seasons change and one day I will be in a new season. I want my current season of recovery to count. I want all my struggles to matter. I refuse to give up. I’ve lived with chronic physical illness and mental health issues for decades. However, here I am. I have SURVIVED.
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