Not that I was in a deep sleep but I needed to become more aware. More aware of the type of relationships I have with the people around me and more aware of myself: my habits, perspectives, beliefs, needs, and expectations. 2018 challenged me to start over. I had to go back to the drawing board and make changes with how I approach life and pain. I evaluated the roles I’d given to the people in my life, and more importantly, the roles I’d assigned myself. I learned to value my truth and my story more than ever.
2018 allowed opportunity for me to have a greater appreciation for how much my personal circle has changed. It’s a lot smaller but full of folks who are tried and true. I found so much freedom in not trying to save the world or be everything and all things for everyone. It felt good to let calls go to voicemail when I was tired. It felt good to distance myself from folks who are toxic. My personal wellness became more important to me and my personal definition of wellness is a bit more specific and self-focused. After years of suffering and yet surviving, this year, I also began professional counseling to address the ongoing triggers that remain from the abuses that I’ve endured.
I’m woke! I’ve learned valuable lessons about some of my weak areas. I learned to call things what they are instead of painting them a far prettier color than they are. I fell in love all over again with saying, “No”. I refused to allow someone in a leadership position in the church I attend to act inappropriately and I not speak out against it. Me sharing my heart and attempting to help us reconcille didn’t go the way I had hoped. Our relationship is now worse. My heart is broken and I’m angry but I refuse to be a victim. 2018 taught me that having a voice and the ability to use it is so much more than someone listening to us and making an apology. We can’t make anyone see their wrong or ask for forgiveness. We can do our part to express ourselves. Unfortunately, after over 13 months I have not found closure because I was ignored. I’m not going to give up. I will make peace with my pain. I will make sure that it always has a voice. I refuse to suffer in silence. Ain’t never got me anywhere good…
2018 showed me that some of my perspectives and beliefs needed to change. I’ve outgrown some of my go-to coping skills. I’ve outgrown placing “special” folks on pedestals. I’m tired of the extreme unrealistic expectations I’ve placed on myself and others. I realized that although they were positively based, my traditions of interacting with people needs to be reconstructed. Some things aren’t working. In some cases, I’m too leniant and in others not so much. I spent a lot of time evaluating ME. What came next was an increase in clarity about the purpose for and the future of my brand and ministry, Moments with Missy™.
I’m woke and I’m excited! I’m ready to make positive, life-altering changes and adjustments. Although I had many heartbreaks and disapointing moments, I am woke to the reality that I am not my pain and anger. I’m stronger than them both. My church hurt isn’t greater than my love for God. God will remain my #1 forever. My disappointment with the ways various spiritual leaders (who I have known my entire life) have behaved over recent years has left me in deep emotional and spiritual pain. I’m crushed and I feel devastated. Despite it all, I will continue moving forward and walking in my truth while continuing my journey of hope and healing. I just won’t or can’t ignore what 2018 showed me. 2019 must bring something different. I’m determined.
Did you wake up at any point over the past year? What did you learn or become more aware of this year? How did you or will you go about making changes? I salute you for being a FIGHTER. Every year brings challenges, heartbreak, and disappointment. I’m so happy that you are still here to celebrate your moving forward! Your strength is phenomenal. Your courage is indescribable. I wish you a blessed, beautiful and fruitful 2019.
If you would like to, you can keep up with me across the internet. If you scroll to the bottom of this page there are links to my social media profiles. I have posted live videos on the Periscope app. Please visit your app store to download it. Inside the app you can search for me by name or handle @MomentsWMissy. You are invited to join my email list. Positive changes are coming to my email family in January. I’m excited!
If you would like to schedule a free 15-minute chat with me, feel free to do so by sending me an email.